The Wall Behind...

A still click

2012-02-13T17:06:00.005+05:30

the love of my life

making

my emotions come alive

a picture in my heart

i have always liked

just to re instate

i captured you;

for this

long awaited moment

throughout eternity,

be forever revived.

Forever Fireflies

2011-01-07T20:06:00.004+05:30

A river

Of memories once imagined

flows

Down that village so fond

Amidst the virgin wilderness

Unperturbed

grows

Where the birth of your roots first hoped

There

That pure, unsullied space

Of your heart

Forever,

Shall you pledge

To let

These eternal fireflies

Yours and Mine

Glow.

Star

2010-01-28T11:43:00.005+05:30

Forget me not

Make a wish

The shining star

twinkles

in all its bliss

Fading to oblivion

makes me miss

The Joy,

in the laughter of his.

Aaaachhhooooo!

2010-01-28T11:27:00.003+05:30

Lucifer orders the flu to fly away,

enough of curse has already been laid.

To the sand land,

Across the sea,

the flu has to come back,

from where it flee.

Go to sleep I say,

the best remedy so said.

Just keep hearing what others say,

little an effect it creates,

take care.

Rapture

2010-01-14T12:30:00.002+05:30

Captured I was,

little by little.

In a world of rapture,

understanding the riddle.

Suddenly, the orbit changed,

signals lost,

reasons lame.

Sand slipped,

I kept reflecting,

did he forget,

I too was existing?

Fire Sparks

2010-01-14T12:22:00.003+05:30

May be you forgot,

but I didn't!

You promised to come,

but the 'soon' was in its truest,

never meant.

Now you tell me

you'll sit by the fire,

enjoy honey,

but do reflect back

on what made you -

a liar.

Jammu Travailler

2010-01-14T12:09:00.006+05:30

From: 05 January - 10 January 2010

Where: The City of Temples, Jammu Tawi

Purpose: educational, religious, relaxation, formality...

Suddenly the lady calls, "Pack your bags and prepare to leave for Jammu, or else plan your teaching practice independently in March." And there goes the sleepless nights my mutti is known for, the ever existing itch my vati shows and the excitement I am completely unconsciously waiting for.

The fog bound weather and biting chill of Delhi reminds us to pack woollens as if for a new settlement plan where we were heading. Being on the hilly terrain geographically, it was blessed with sunshine and clear blue skies on one day and the numbing cold the other, a warm welcome indeed.

And then opens the bag of unknown knowns. Tightened security giving way to illogical rules and likes to finding only one Cafe Coffee Day in the whole of Jammu city, the second on the way to Vaishno Devi (a holy shrine with historical significance, religious beliefs to blind faith). Blind faith? Devotees walking barefoot 12 to 13 kilometres one way. Who ever thought of the Pavan Hans and Deccan helicopters at your service only on a clear day, thank you from the depths of my heart. It was at least a saviour for us. But only one way. A 3 hour gap are a must before you plan your journey backward to Katra (base station).

On the way, scaring and scared monkeys, snatching the plastics from the hands of devotees (how about having them in Delhi working for the ban on plastics' movement?). But they all are god's messengers.

An argument with the hilly boy, his red cheeks, reminiscent of the fresh air and good health, offering a horse back ride till the Bhawan, that's where the holy shrine is placed. But, it didn't look like a horse, it was a khachar, a mix between a donkey and a horse. A clear recollection of the haunting ride from Chandanwari, a militant infested area in Srinagar, and the khacharwalking on the side of the little track, towards the ghati, made me argue till I was convinced that the boy will not accept his to be a not a horse. Never mind.

The darshan were luckily peaceful. Again got desperate to own a SLR as soon as possible. Picturesque images on memory paper only. Though my phone cam was all the way faithful, in its power.

The hotel - Hotel Asia, a motel if standardised internationally, but good enough to wake up to take the next day's challenge energetically.

A college - full of chicks, hens, girls my age talking pure Punjabi I thought was alien. The 1st day - "Oh, just acquaint yourself with the college." The cold seeping my body via the feet that were resting on the cemented floor of the college class rooms through out. Each room holding 2 classes. At the same time. That's college again, but in a city that seemed like a district or a village moving towards getting its make up cake up.

Posted to a Govt. High School- converted from a stinky, dirty cattle shed, one section per class, so called teachers using guides as their teaching aids, children amused at this new group of ladies and their colourful, informative teaching aids, seniors acting like kids, kids already wanting to grow up by the minute, confusion, the stingy nosey principle, indisciplined pupils, completely informal atmosphere... This is where I put into practice my teaching lessons with a hope that a little might have been absorbed by the future of the world being completely wasted in the hands of so called creators and educators.

The traffic- believe me, Delhi is the most disciplined if I make a comparison. What I see on the high way as one-way traffic on NH- 24, they believe in dividing the lane for a smooth way. It doesn't have to be making sense, but congested routes do make sense to the travellers.

Transportation- little matadors- thronging with people from all the sides. Travel anywhere in Jammu for 5 rupees. No Black and yellow taxis. The complete black auto wheelers, charging on the basis of the status and class they think you might belong to.

The food- at last was the one thing I relished - cheaply priced and double the quantity-quality.

Not to forget the Chocolate burfi's known widely in and around India. Since 1934.

Sightseeing- apart from wish granting to mythologically surveyed cavey temples, a castle of Hari Singh- the King because of whom the rule of not letting any foreign company set its foot permanently on Bharat's soil is still active. His throne made of 100 kilograms worth of gold on which he ruled, his castle looking like hand picked from London, Renaissance architecture, an artist's impression of the dashavataars to the electronically operated horse for Hari Singh as a prince to master his horse riding skills, the Knights, Crowns and the Orders bestowed on him...rich history. The Jammu Tawi - the river, now all dried, looking up the clear blue skies to paint it grey and cloudy.

The Dogri's, the natives of Jammu city. Neither the language nor the race is any more alive. Its almost on the brink of extinction. So much so that this lad who claimed his ancestors to be of Dogri Origin prefers to tet-e-tet in English or Hindi rather than his mother tongue. It seems more cool to him rather than the understandability factor.

All this in a place I have heard so much praise about.

Getting hand in hand with the commoners, the inhabitants of Resham garh, living the life and seeing it through the lens of India, is the only simplistic way of getting to know the real magical India, which opens it colours to you just after you start mixing two colours revealing a new shade as your fingers work through... I love my India. . .

I Miss you

2009-11-04T18:36:00.003+05:30

Though we are under the same sky,

Seems aeons went speeding by.

Every time you have to go,

Makes me want ever more.

Of the craziness that pervades us,

I miss you,

being just Us!

Of excitement that,

the rush it creates,

The Hope that I have,

for Long,

Now I lived in.

Sometimes I wonder,

If there's an end,

would not be able to bear,

the prick of this pin.

relationships

2009-03-06T09:08:00.016+05:30

The heart of one person moves another's.- Daisaku Ikeda

Our interaction with others mirros the inner realm of our own lives. It is here that our lack of wisdom or compassion is starkly revealed. It is here that arrogance and cowardice are glaringly exposed. For these reasons, it's often easier to avoid interaction with others rather than trigger these less desirable sides of our character.
We can quit or job or dump a love interest just so many times before we find ourselves gradually becoming chronically unemployed and terminally lonely. Avoiding the problems of human interaction is to succumb to more negative influences. It is to allow ourselves to wallow in the muck and mire of our own lesser self. And that's not happiness.
There is a great line from the movie As Good As It Gets starring Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson that says it best.
Nicholson plays a self-absorbed curmudgeon who has unexpectedly fallen for the younger Hunt. They find themselves on a date, of sorts, in a nice restaurant in Baltimore. She finaaly demands in exasperation that he stop talking about hinself and say something complimentary to her or she's going to walk out of his life. This is his one shot at touching her heart. But again he begins talking about his problems, his way of life, his priorities. he gets up to leave when finally he says, "You make me want to be a better man." At first she hears only that it's something else about him. But then realizes the compliment. She has become important enough to him for him to want to change himself for the better in order to keep her.
Relationships that matter enough for us to wish to become better people are a crucible for inner transformation, lasting happiness and the cornerstone of world peace.
-Gaudioso & Martin.

Bücher

2009-02-10T09:25:00.005+05:30

And,

I got this cheap, so well,

And,

I love the intoxication ,

Of the pages, how they smell

Oh, did I mention my eyes swell'

Spiralling downward in the optimistic well,

I reminisce the times,

I read this in my cell. . .

The Pregnatress of ...

2009-01-29T12:29:00.009+05:30

A pregnatress, so it seems gifted too, in my keds, a satisfied new role assumer, as if in a spell, in this swivel chair, with a beer after which the Martini looking pretty with the aquamarine shining...

A flirtatious aroma was smelt all over, and with some one that now I was consciously over with... again reminiscing about the past spent. Sitting across, there were pleasantries being exchanged, the medium - the eyes.

No, its not a melodrama but, suddenly, there is someone who dared to poke me with his fingers, agitating me to the core, needless to mention how the male species though drooling over you and unimaginable what they would have imagined with you, are without their spines...

I retaliate, and then it raises a war, or at least so, a mayhem, luckily, and I run... for my life... for the life about to be seperated from me... with what mind set will the life be born? Unable to keep the stress at bay, there is a blessing in disguise, I run into a house of a friend, wanting to hide, and I do have my army of girls, may be we are linked, by blood, by water... I dont know....

And I hide, in this damp, cold, dark and dingy house...
The pink phone is ringing, asking me about my whereabouts... I m speechless...
How could I hide a truth within me and a reality which is too true to believe... What will I say to those who gave life to me?

Facing the pre natal blues, for a couple of reasons so clear for me to see and solve, this one takes the privilege of being at the top... I find solace in the bathroom, in a corner, with a plethora of ways to hide and not be known...

It affected me and was killing my baby...

No, I am not delusional, but of still a state unable to get a grip on, I chose not staying engulfed in it, doesn't seem possible... But I am not sure if I still want it back and accurately what parts, after I take a leak, both from and of - my dream.

2008-12-03T15:44:00.003+05:30

Here you said it

still waters

clear

piercing my heart

with a dagger.

.Scared.

2008-12-03T15:11:00.004+05:30

Last night,

I woke up,

To the opening of the door,

It was my sis,

who crawled in,

discreetly,

to the room,

Last night,

what you said,

my eyes,

unable to wet my cheek,

still burnt,

red,

woke me up,

strained,

scared,

alone,

in the wee hours of this morning.

Bitter Sweetness

2008-12-03T08:53:00.004+05:30

What do i write, that even after the sabbatical was over long time back, it looks like we are on a day to day 'leave me alone' spree... The War of Words so rightly put by the Tech freak of mine.

Where are we going, when will we reach, i dont know, but we are spoiling it all, minute by minute...

We were the ones who could completely understand each other at one point of time and in the least made an attempt to, but thats past for me now, at least. The gates of communication are closing down...

Day after day we seem to be in an attempt to cook it as bitter as we can, to chop and put the ingredients so dashed with a whole lot of pain that it tastes better by each passing day.

And yes, we cannt get the past, just like the dish that has already been eaten cannot be eaten again.

But are we aloof of the recipe? We were the ones who once cooked it, and though we savored and relished it, it seems to be so poisoning, that its after effects are very much active even today.

What a beautiful mess we have created!

Even the little droplets of pristine water that are but a side effect of this dish in making, spoiling, trying...

The Blue Fish

2008-12-01T11:09:00.004+05:30

As I was driving to work early this morning, something in me became all the more strong, after I passed over a rat on the road, helpless on my seat, so was the rat, and here i was, unable to save the rhodent, equally holding an inviolable right to live, just like me, but then i think so does every one around me, my blue fish too... So, is the choice always mine, whom to save? Selfish at times, indecisive at other moments...

Let me paint my picture to make this clear, imagine a pretty looking, energetic blue lil fish, making its way, all happily and cheerfully one winter morning, exploring this colourful world, my promise to her to show all that i can in this world of wonders, not as others see it, but from the eyes of those who see beauty in almost everything around... But pretty isn't what you always see on the surface... just to find its right fin in a couple of minutes all gone, smashed... Injured, till now that this white thing on it looks like an ointment healing her ...

Remember the kilometers it swam, in turbulent times it was my companion, an evidence to my happy times, me feeling safe with her every now and then...

But here's my question, In my greed of accomplishements, what i have really done for her? What have i done to her?

Of course, my blue fish was being stared at, this very morning, of how ugly it was looking, and then me, (yes i do take care of her,) but i m not always at fault, either!

I m not careless or negligent, and i think she is capable enough to brave any storm, but yes, if all in the world are making 'us' feel guilty, from these unknown half joking and half commenting eyes, they have done a job well enough to make us feel this way, but they arent the only ones, as my own conscience was very actively playing a part, this wasnt the first time, I have lived this before,

for i m the one who's with her, my companion for miles... Her every bruise here and a scratch there pains me to the core, how could I? How could they??

But to who all do i openly show my guilt, or do i really need to even?

The Doctor's mood, all irritated to serve my blue fish, words untold, but feeling spoken so loud , that they know very well where to hurt...

There was a dream seen in this foetus of mine, of nurturing this harmless lil thing to a shark, and i objected and took it to a more humbler level(at least in my thoughts) a whale, ... but right now, i want her to get all better, just like before, ... i like her the way she was, is, and i want her all glistening n shining, racing in the winter sun...

Hope she gets well soon... '

My blue fish will be swimming soon...

The Winning Frog.

2008-11-26T08:51:00.003+05:30

Once upon a time, there were a few frogs, fighting over who was the strongest. But no one was able to prove themselves fully, when one of them came up with the idea of searching for the tallest bamboo shoot and climb it hence forth.

All tried, one by one, gathering up all the strength they could ever bring collectively. But, somehow, there was this one single frog, who made it to the top. To everyone's amazament, this was a feat impossible, And now you also would be wondering how?

This frog was deaf, deaf to the people around, their encouragements or demotivators, was deaf to whether someone believed in him or not. It just didnt seem to matter to him an iota.

And hence, he won.

This is also a new beginning for the leggo minded of mine and myself. Finally, (Read Smiling) the sabbatical ended yesterday, and i m all charged up to make this work, no matter what.

A lot of inputs i have recieved, or why even go on to others, when i know there are a lot of the defeated frogs in my own head, so the first step, to show these frogs the exit, and turn a deaf ear to the existing entities around...

Because im motivated, to make this work, no matter what. Its a challenge for me, and im going to turn anything negative in between us into positive, even if it means making all directions meet at a single point. (We can meet at the Terrestrial North Pole, we mutually like this place)

So, as of now where the Winter's setting in every passing day, we will make memories amidst the cold, just like spring...

Winter's over,

Spring's Here,

Rock the Cradle,

The air smells,

I'm glad,

The Sabbatical is over,

We will make

Our ship sail...

Emotionally Stunted...

2008-11-25T20:26:00.005+05:30

Long time ago, there was this maiden, who always used to keep the feeling she felt, the emotions she lived, hidden, in her heart, this world of hers was never seen with an 'Entry' signboard...

Then, came a lad, all too impressive, or so to say that she was swayed, (still wondering), by the enchantment too tempting to let go off...

Just like a flower blossoms, so did they,

The gates were naturally left open,

and everything was shared, almost everything,

that she earlier feared,

she poured out her heart, every hidden territory was explored,

and so was the lad ever eager,

into the secrets untold...

The smell of her tresses drew this one wild,

The more she let herself loose,

the more they spent the time.

Lost completely,

or in her senses for the first time,

The touch is the first kind of sense,

the newborn from this mother of dine'

She didnt leave,

or forget,

to share a single moment

the various experiences in the day

she felt...

But the times never last,

a touch is long lost craved past.

Fixated is the maiden,

wonders what wrong she do,

Why did she open up this Pandora's box,

Just to see hell break loose?

Long time ago they used to question her,

when she read'em page by page, line by line,

Today at the threshold,

Tears' droplets trickle down,

they wet the same old,

As she rises to question again,

Was all this destined?

Was while she let it all,

there were things she hid under...

Or was she right in being called

not too open with

the emotions that even today

thunder.

The Real Bond?

2008-11-24T08:57:00.003+05:30

Just in case any one by chance likes to reads in between the lines, (like I do!!!) don't the words sabbatical, Vesper Lynd & the article's name seems after all too bloody connected???

Yes, who isn't bitten by this Bug?!!!!
And apparently, happenings at my end happen rather all too connected... Or when the time is ripe, in complete accordance, in oneness, so to say.

Yes, that's why the name sabbatical suddenly came upon me as an awakening, there were plans to see the latest flick together, to enjoy some moments and see them blossom together, but since then there hasn't been a Quantum of Solace for us either !

The Sabbatical.

2008-11-22T22:56:00.003+05:30

Mine came pretty early than the usual, by the very definition of the word and the way i define it, is the reason behind this wall that i every time leave behind, ( minus the constant deliberations by the near & dear ones, for various 'last-a-minute' reasons).

So, me and my illegal, hidden better half are on a sabbatical or time off ( you see the leggo - minded of mine has really made it sound like this) from today onwards( 'like its just the word we can use to describe this phase'), and since its been on a full swing since the stars came out and glittered on this fateful winter setting in, its as cold as you can think...

sabbatical (sə-băt'ĭ-kəl)

adj.
while i still don't get it, in an attempt to solve it, why are we running away from it (even if unconsciously) from the dilemma we are facing, just like cowards do... So while you try to gather yourself asking a break from me(read a psychoanalyst's reading'), by absolutely minussing yourself from everything and anything that's got to do with us, by going in to a shell, i wonder if it helps... Darling, what hypocrisy are we playing??

n.
A sabbatical week or ten days starting from today.